Tuesday, December 18, 2007

An Inky Encounter

On January 2, 2008 I'll be working in a new position at the Bank. And I'll be studying daily for at least 8 weeks in order to pass my Series 7 license. One of the requirements of the National Association of Securities Dealers (NASD) is to have 3 sets of fingerprints on file.

So... I work in a Bank... and of course fingerprints are standard routine. I arrived at the Police Station this morning at 7:52 a.m. I was greeted by (and I swear to God) a rotund policeman carrying a Chcolate Moo Milk and Orange Hostess Cupcakes [of course that evil part of me was saying "where's the damn donuts?" and the other more sarcastic part of me was saying "ohhhh the breakfast of champions". I think the rotund officer could read my thoughts and said "we don't open for 8 minutes".

I looked down at my watch... of course he was right. It was also about 60 degrees below zero... well make 27 F degrees. I asked, "can i wait inside". Now this is where it begins to go downhill. He scans me up and down... perhaps trying to figure out if I was packing some heat... and said "i guess it's okay".

Now... there was an old man waiting outside... who realized they were letting me stand inside, so he entered the room. And I swear... the rotund cop... who was trying to get the cap off his chocolate milk as he was squeezing behind the security radition machine barked "we don't open for 6 minutes." And the poor old man say, "can I wait inside"... and it was like the cop had to think about it for a few minutes... and finally... he said, "well normally we don't allow it...but it's okay for today."

Then 8:00 arrive. I placed my purse and my 3 fingerprint cards on the conveyor belt and walked through the security gate. Lights and alarms went off. The rotund cop jumps off his stool, almost knocking over his chocolate moo milk. I walked backwards through the machine... and it went off again. I yanked off my security badge and laid that on the conveyor belt. Again I walked through the gate... and again it went off.

At this point in time.. I was thinking "okay... do I have an underwire bra on today" and I almost cupped myself in front of the officer who at this point in time was joined by another cop. So... I have metal buttons on my jean jacket... I took that off... laid that on the conveyor belt... and once again walked through the gate.

I'll be damned.... the alarm went off again. Now at this point... I was beginning to worry about having to do a strip down, full body cavity search and perhaps my arms were fluttering in excitement... but finally the other cop realized it was three bracelets on my arm that was triggering the machine.

By this time... I was so happy to get through the entry point that I proceeded straight. I was suppose to report to room 130. I realize I was on the ground floor. Holy crap... I realized now I would have to go back through the security entrance... so I sort of shouted... "hey... how do I get to room 130"...

And this is where it gets embarrassing. The cop says "take the elevator to the first floor (which really was the second floor... because I was on the first floor, but they called this the ground level floor). So.. I said "where's the elevator?" Now you must realize at this point in time... I had no recollection where I was... and was worried about going back through that damn alarmed gate.

With a chocolate moustache, the cop with orange icing fingers said, using a lot of hand gesturing. "Ah, it's right behind you. So turnaround (and he did a little index swirling action)... press the number 1 in the elevator, and when the doors open up (and he used both hands in an opening gesture)... take an immediate left (he points left with the other index finger) and it's the first door to the left."

Now... at this point I really wanted to grunt out a thank you in a voice that might have sounded like I was mentally challenged... but he had a gun... and I was embarrassed so I just turned around and got on the elevator.

I arrived at the first door on the left... only to see a sign... $10.00 for fingerprint cards. I thought... "damn.. I'm glad I have my own." I walk inside... and said I was here to be fingerprinted.

The new policeman said... "It's $10.00 for each set of fingerprint cards." And I... duh-duh Angie says "oh... I brought my own"... He cleared his throat and said "no I mean it's $10.00 for us to complete each fingerprint card."

Now... I knew I didn't have $30.00 in my purse... so I said... do you accept debit or credit cards... and he said... no... cash or checks.

I don't carry a check book.

I don't carry much cash... since I have a rewards debit check card... so... I pulled all the money out of my purse... which amounted to $9.62. He said... well.. since you are paying for it... I'll charge you $10.00 instead of $30.00... I had to look in my purse again... and between a sheet of stamps and a tampon... I found another $1.00.

I was ushered into a small room... and was asked to hold out my hands... The officer squirted some Sauve Hand Lotion in them. He told me to rub my hands vigorously together... and for a moment.. I had another image in my mind about my oiled hands and in this small room. and my $20.00 discount.. but then he must have noticed the alarmed look on my face... and said... "ohhh the hand lotion is to get a better fingerprint.

I mean... they don't use ink anymore... they use hand lotion on a plastic camera screen (I mean.. it was like witnessing a CSI crime scene).

Oh... guess what.... my right hand doesn't take good fingerprints. The grooves are too wide... and the cop kept getting a false reading. So.. I said "oh... so if I want to commit a crime.. I need to use my right hand." And he laughed and said "yeah I guess"... but then he continued and said "usually this happens to really old people".

What the fuck...........it's only Tuesday.

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I almost forgot to mention.... one of my fingerprint cards got stuck in their machine... and it took 3 cops to figure out how to remove the card... I was just chanting internally (please... I don't want to come back here... please, please, .... let them get the damn card out of the damn machine) And I swear... it was a "Secret" moment... the card was released from the machine...

I quickly left that office... only to enter the hallway with no recall on which way to go. Fortunately another policeman was there.. and directed me to the elevator.

And as I went back through the security gate, the lights and alarm sounding anew... the rotund cop was pushing the remaining cupcake in his mouth and coughed out a response. I'm not sure if he said "have a nice day" or if he said "come back here"... but I kept walking... and never looked back.

3 comments:

Melinda said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA...freaking hilarious. If I had been with you I would have been laughing so hard and peeing my pants and they would have wanted to lock me up for being disorderly or potentially drunk (even though of course I would not be drunk)......

this was a great VISUAL story Angela!

Melissa said...

hahahaha..so funny Angela! We don't ink anyone at the hospital anymore either, we also use the plastic screen thing. It's not only older people's fingerprints that are hard to read, our head of security who used to be a police officer said if you do a lot of dishes over time it rubs them away, imagine that one.

I'm glad they got the prints done and you don't have to go back.

Patty said...

I was laughing so hard reading this, that your Dad wanted to know what was so funny, so then I read it to him, and he laughed to. I could just picture that. Well if that's the case, then I must not have any prints left on my finger tips. I remember going through one of those machines when Nancy and I went to visit Michael. I was about ready to sit in the car and wait while Nancy visited him, I wasn't about to go through any body search. It was my wire rimmed glasses setting it off.