Final Thought

"I think I'm dying." went through my mind at 11:15 p.m. Friday. I felt my heart slamming against my chest, causing my legs and arms to go numb. The room darkened and I thought that death was indeed very possible at that moment.

I went into A-Fib, my normal heart rate of 54 beats a minute increased to 165 beats a minute. And although I went into A-Fib numerous times since 2005; this was the first time it hit me so hard.

Once the circulation returned to my legs and arms and the room lightened up, a sense of rage and frustration overtook me. I shouldn't be in A-Fib, the doctors thought my A-Fib was caused by an overactive thyroid. So I allowed my thyroid to be destroyed by radioactive iodine. And that treatment was successful. My thyroid died in December. So why was I in A-Fib now?

By 1:00 a.m., I was forced to go to ER. I've played this game before knowing that ER will not be able to get me out of A-Fib and after 3 to 4 hours, they would admit me into the hospital. Friday night there was no exception, I was admitted into the hospital at 4:30 a.m.

Through numerous testing and procedures over the last 5 years, they can find no triggers for my A-Fib. The electrical current surrounding my heart misfires and the A-Fib sets in.

A-Fib has caused me to develop blood clots in my lungs and leg. Strokes or death can be the end result. At times I feel like a time bomb; never knowing for sure when it will go off.

My blood pressure is low, my heart rate is low and yet the doctors have me on meds to keep them even lower. So I walk around like a zombie, lightheaded, dizzy and confused. And now that is my new "norm".

Now when I go A-Fib they reset my heart with shock pads. It requires an anesthesiologist to put me to sleep. You have to wonder the lasting effects of this procedure on your heart.

But the worse part of all of this is my supportive friends. You know the kind that all of a sudden have a medical degree and can diagnose why this happens and how to prevent it. Strange since two different cardiology practices and 6 cardiologists have been unable to do so.

So before you open your mouth with your self-righteous judgment of me, STOP, think and offer words of concern, encouragement or love. Not advice. I've been battling this since 2005 and you haven't. So FUCK OFF!.


Anonymous said…
I won't FO but I understand your reason for posting that.
Just wanted you to know I know how scarey it is to feel like you are dying.
I remember having an anxiety attack, thinking I was about to die, and I fiercely held onto eye contact with my hubby. I just knew if I closed my eyes I was done for. Eye contact was my lifeline as I felt like my life energy/spirit was draining from my body. It was terrifying. I had three gradeschool children and three teens at the time.
Anyway, I can relate a bit. My heart did weird things.

I also wanted to say, I read your Bio and I don't think you sound like Martha at all, more like MaryJane Butters ( from MaryJane Farms Magazine or maybe like Ree Drummond of Not so anal or "perfect",tho Martha is quite gracious, but more relaxed and loving it. Yeah, that's more like it. At least that's the vibe I get.

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