No Bugs Allowed

There had been a spider in my bathroom. He was there, lurking about for several days. When I first spied him, I thought a June Bug had found it's way inside. But it was a little early for a June Bug and after closer inspection I realized it was a gnarly looking spider.

The spider perched high on the closet door, watching me in the morning while I curled and flat ironed my hair. It just stalked me in the mornings. The first morning I pretended not to see him, but on the second day it was just too difficult trying to curl my hair and keeping an eye on it.

So I grabbed my Aussie hairspray and blasted that spider. It ran behind the closet door. I opened the door carefully, after donning my shower cap just in case the damn spider fell on my head, but I could not find the spider. I said a quick prayer for the spider and really hoped it crawled off to curl up in a corner and die.

I almost forgot about the spider, but 2 days later as I was fixing my hair, a slight movement caught my attention. I slowly turned around, the can of Aussie hairspray in my hand. There in the corner of the closet door, blowing on a spider web, was the dried up body of the spider. I gave a knowing sigh, and tapped the spider with my can of hairspray to knock it down so I could discard the body. But that spider wasn't dead. That spider was playing fucking head games with me. That fucking spider was fucking alive.

I screamed. I screamed loudly as I sprayed that fucking damn spider with almost an entire can of Aussie hairspray. I sprayed so much hairspray that it actually formed stalactites on the spider legs. That spider finally lost consciousness. It plummeted to the floor. I ran out of the room, still holding the dripping can of hairspray, searching wildly for something to send that spider back to the Hell it escaped. My son's flip flops were sitting by the front door. I grabbed one and ran back to the bathroom, still screaming actually. I slapped that mother fucking spider with all my might. As I lift the flip flop upwards, the spider traveled with it. It refused to die. Then I lost total control. I went on a slapping rampage.

Needless to say there wasn't much spider left to flush. But I scrapped as much as I could from the bathroom rug. I also had to flip on the fan to get rid of the nasty hairspray aroma.

So you might ask why am I talking about spiders in the bathroom

Well.. it's because I came across this picture. Who would have bug photos in their bathroom? Who would have bug art in their homes? Hello... no bugs allowed inside my home.


Melinda said…
aw...poor spider...after that kind of a fight to live I would have captured him in a container and taken him outside! I do that when I can. In fact..I had a spider come inside on a package from Amazon last night...and I put him in a glass and then tried to shake him out of the glass outside the window..but he would not go. I had to add a dab of water...and the water dumped out but he stayed in the glass then came outside the glass. I finally got him to flick him off the glass with my finger. Neighbors probably wondered what I was doing holding a glass outside my window shaking it and tapping it and tossing water out of it...haha..but the spider has a chance to live now. He was brown..not too big. NOW I have to say...those big ones I don't like and doubt I could catch one and transport outside..but they also freak me out to try to kill not sure what I would do.
Angie D in Ohio said…
lol @ Anonymous who sounds remarkably like Becky Sue. Yes, any other bug I take outside... and I will take a Long Legged Granddaddy outside.... but this spider was wicked. He was Satan.

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